I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
