im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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