I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
