Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
