24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
