My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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