Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
