just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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