i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
