Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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