My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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