I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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