can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
