Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize