I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
