Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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