theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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