So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
