i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
