Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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