Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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