I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Come share oat with me in your robe
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
