i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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