Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
