Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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