So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
