He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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