Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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