On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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