She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
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This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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