Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
