Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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