I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
