She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she pinky promised me she was 18
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
