A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
