It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
