There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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