I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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