I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
