I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
