youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
