I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
