i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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