Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize