life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
