I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
