dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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