Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
