fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
