My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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