my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
