you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
