apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
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Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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