why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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