She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
