I just cut my nipple shaving
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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