Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
