i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
