apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The beer is more important than you right now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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