Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
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I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
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You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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